Attraction vs. Admiration: Why Straight Isn’t Always What You Think
- Brittany Glasscock
- Nov 14
- 4 min read
If you grew up marinating in heteronormativity (like most of us), you were probably taught that liking women automatically means you’re “just being nice,” “just admiring her,” or “just appreciating female beauty.” But here’s the truth: a lot of queer women spent years confusing attraction with admiration because we were actively taught to mislabel our own feelings.
This isn’t about “turning straight women gay.” This is about untangling the knots that kept so many lesbians from recognizing ourselves sooner.
And if you’re here because you’re questioning? Babe, you’re in the right place.
Why We Confuse Admiration With Attraction (Especially as Women)
Women are socialized to bond emotionally with other women. We’re encouraged to get close, compliment each other, share secrets, cuddle during sleepovers, hype each other’s selfies… you know the drill.
None of this is bad, it’s community. But it also creates a perfect storm where queer desire gets mislabeled as “friendship.”
Here’s what heteronormativity does:
Teaches straight girls to idolize “girl power” friendships
Frames male attention as the only real attraction
Normalizes intense emotional bonds between women
Ignores that women’s attraction to women even exists
So if you felt drawn to a girl in high school but dismissed it because “I just want to be her”… congratulations, you’re not weird, you were conditioned to misread the signs.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Attraction (Not Just Admiration)
You don’t need a sexuality label right this second. But let’s get honest about patterns.
1. She’s not just pretty, she’s magnetic
Aesthetic admiration is noticing beauty.
Attraction is feeling pulled.
If you find your eyes drifting back to her, or you feel a little electrically stupid around her? Yeah, that’s not just aesthetic appreciation.
2. You’re jealous in a way that doesn’t make sense
Admiration: “She’s so cool, I wish I had her confidence.”
Attraction: “Why is she talking to that girl… and why do I hate it?”
If your jealousy feels weirdly relationship-coded, pay attention.
3. You daydream about her in a way you don’t about guys
Straight women don’t run full cinematic narratives about their “best friend.”
They just don’t.
4. You’re more comfortable around men but more drawn to women
This one confuses a lot of late bloomers. Comfort ≠ attraction.
Craving ≠ safety.
Your body knows the difference even if your brain has been gaslit for decades.
5. You only “catch feelings” for emotionally safe men… but women wreck you
Huge red flag for lesbian or bisexual identity.
Straight women don’t save all their romantic panic attacks for women.
Why Straight Isn’t Always What You Think
Women are told they’re straight until proven otherwise. Men, meanwhile, get to be “questioning,” “curious,” “exploring stages,” whatever.
Women have to hit a full queer crisis before anyone takes us seriously. The problem isn’t that you “might not be straight.” The problem is that you were never allowed to consider any other possibility.
And that’s where admiration becomes the socially acceptable mask for attraction.
You weren’t confused, you were conditioned.
What If You’re Wrong About Being Straight?
Here’s the thing: straight women don’t spend hours Googling “why am I obsessed with my female friend” at 2 a.m.
They don’t spiral over actresses “for no reason.”
They don’t read sapphic books and feel seen.
They don’t wonder if every girl they’ve ever admired was actually a crush.
But questioning isn’t a crisis, it’s clarity.
Your sexuality isn’t a fixed box someone else gets to define. It’s a map, and you’re finally reading it without someone else’s labels covering the road.
How to Start Untangling Your Feelings
1. Ask yourself who you want, not who you can tolerate
This hits especially hard for late bloomers.
Your tolerance for men is not attraction.
2. Look at your fantasies, not your obligations
Your fantasies don’t lie but your trauma might. (Your conditioning definitely does.)
3. Notice who you feel safe with and who you feel drawn to
These aren’t always the same. A lot of lesbians confuse safety with romance.
4. Let yourself question without shame
You’re not betraying anyone, especially not your past self. That version of you did the best she could.
You Don’t Have to Figure It All Out Today
This is where straight women who think they might not be straight get stuck:
“What if I’m wrong?”
“What if I label myself and regret it?”
“What if it’s just a phase?”
Relax.
Nobody’s handing out gold stars for being the Perfect Lesbian. Exploration is a process.
If You’re Here, You’re Already Asking the Right Questions
You came here because something inside you whispers, “This might be more than admiration.”
Trust yourself: your body, heart, and patterns know.
Straight women don’t spiral about “admiration vs. attraction.” Lesbians and bisexual women do.
And if this hit a little too close, you’re not alone and you’re not broken. You’re just finally listening.
Ready to Go Deeper? Take the “Am I a Lesbian?” Quiz
If you’re questioning your sexuality and want a little clarity (with zero judgment and zero stereotypes), take the 8-question “Am I a Lesbian?” quiz I created.
